Douchebag Boyfriends

I was chatting with my significant other earlier tonight and I realized once again why guys get a bad wrap: a lot of the players on our team are total douchebags. If a guy is not an alcoholic wife beater, he is the guy that puts his friends over his girlfriend all the time or mentally violates her with demeaning, belittling words. It makes you not want to be a guy (if you are a guy, that is). Call me gay for it but, really, I don’t think it’s fair to be born into a species of animal that has more natural predators than even the lowest fishies on the food chain. One guy messes up and all of guydom suffers!

If you actually keep up with my crappy, long-winded writing, I touched upon some of this in my post regarding rationed affection. I fid it deplorable that there are guys that play these mental games just to see how far they can go or at least cripple the girl so that she won’t go anywhere (or so they think). Last night, as I was spending time with my girlfriend, finally taking a break from our busy lives to have some of that magical “quality time” together, a wonderful night was almost ruined after some disgusting news brought the house down. She told me of her best friend and how her fiance treats her like crap. Already, there was a sense of ominous foreboding creeping up my spine. I knew that this could easily turn into a discussion about my recent shortcomings because I am a man so I am guilty by association (you may think this is ridiculous but it’s true that people do think like this, putting people in simplistic little boxes and sticking a label on them).

The real fun started when she told me what exactly happened. It turns out that her best friend’s wonderful fiance decided that a good way to get some personal space would be to pour some beer on his girlfriend’s chest – while she was fully-clothed, no less! If you already think this is a bit extreme, it gets better: he did this simply because his girlfriend wanted to spend some time together. As the story goes, said girl went to her boyfriend, snuggled up a bit, and did those little things that guys in their right mind can’t resist. She then said “you’ve been ignoring me lately, let’s spend some time together” (I am paraphrasing, of course) and his reaction was both explicitly and implicitly stating “fuck off”.

I find this sort of thing disturbing. Here we are, human persons in need of some sort of companionship because that is simply how we are built, and our priorities are often the same. We all want someone that will be honest with us yet lie to us and know when to do so. This moment of honesty for my significant other’s best friend was perfect because it’s so tough nursing a good relationship when the everyday stuff gets us too distracted. Heck, how many relationships would be saved if people just stopped to talk and think about what could be done better? Look at our nation’s divorce rate. People in the US are getting divorced or separated more often than there are folks getting married. That’s pretty scary stuff.

To have a sweet, nurturing, and attractive person, someone that completes you, tell you that all they want is a little of your time is like winning the lottery and ignoring that is, well, leaving a great prize to go to waste. Somehow, people do this all the time and I can see why the topic of many woman-to-woman conversations is often regarding douchebag boyfriends. Heck, I can also see why, these days, every other woman is claiming to be bi and, often, stating they are more interested in female companionship. I can’t blame them!

All I know is that I adore my girlfriend because, as messed up as our relationship can be, one thing we do is put things out on the table and keep them from festering. Even the littlest of issues can culminate, gain critical mass, and cause huge ripples on otherwise peaceful waters. The snowball effect is real and it messes up real good relationships all the time. When the communication lines are not open, misunderstandings and insecurities are inevitable, no matter how confident you are in your relationship.

I really feel for my sweetheart’s best friend cause she really is a great gal and she reminds me of every good woman I’ve had in my life that has been hurt badly for no good reason. After these sorts of events, guys try to use band-aid fixes and thus cheapen otherwise sweet and thoughtful gestures but what really needs to take place is constant nurturing of the mutual bond that exists. Most people I know just drop hints and use signals but those things can be mis-read. Here you have a gal that is making the issue known and as clear as day yet her boyfriend pulls a classic dee-dee-dee move.

As I talked to my girlfriend about this situation, I thought about one of my own friends who just recently found out she is pregnant by the guy she finally had the courage to leave once and for all. Here’s a real winner: he doesn’t work, he doesn’t pursue any dreams, and he pretty much stays home all day and does nothing but consume food, sleep, and play video games. Meanwhile, his girlfriend goes out, runs errands, cleans the house, works, and pretty much tends to him as if she was his servant, all because she loves him and feels bad for him cause he is “not well”. Yeah, I don’t care how sick you are. If you have someone tend to your every needs, the least you can do is say a simple “thank you” every now and then.

This dude’s appreciation was expressed by taking her favorite video game and smashing it, all because he felt he should get some attention when he felt the time was appropriate. Keep in mind that, prior to that, his girlfriend was trying to get his attention but he was too busy talking to his homies on XBox Live. Surely, every story has two sides to it, if not more, and the little kicker is that she apparently had cheated on him but she didn’t sleep with the guy or guys in question, it seems; moreover, he had pushed her to resorting to such things because he neglected her.

You’ll have to excuse the metaphor I am about to use but here is my message to the douchebag men out there that make us good guys look bad: a woman is like a flower. Some are rough on the edges and some are soft to the touch but all of them are delicate. They say flowers grow when you simply talk to them and the simple things done every day will keep them happy and blooming. Water your flower; that is, shower her with affection because everyone likes to be appreciated. Sure, some people like their space and that’s when you try to use some common sense but try switching things up and, instead of slapping her ass and asking her to make you a sandwich, try going to the kitchen and fixing up a snack for both of you together, then talking about your day. Cheesy? Perhaps. Life is too short to let the little moments pass you by. You never know when opportunity will knock again.

Lyssa and Chrys, if you happen to read this, keep your heads up. Since these guys obviously do not know what they have going for them, believe me, someone else will come along that will take even a mere fraction of that goodness and adore you for it. Don’t turn into douchebags too just cause you found the rotten apples in the bunch. There are still good ones out there.. Somewhere…

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8 thoughts on “Douchebag Boyfriends

  1. Hes never liked my children and is always talking badly too them. If I try to defend them he tells me all I do is talk shit. He can never do anything around the house and says :it was like that when I moved in. His whole day consists of sitting in his chair in front of the t.v. and then hel turn the volume down and listen then run to my sons room and say turn taht shit down. We have been together for 12 years and he has yet to ask me to marry him. We have no friends that are both of ours together, but he has many friends who are spanish like him and when hes on the phone with one of them he talks so sweetly. The only effort he puts into our relationship is to distance himself from my family.

  2. It’s really tough these days to find anyone that can love both you AND your kids. It’s not to say that it’s not possible or probable but it takes effort. My girl feels that men usually fall in love with part of you but not everything so they go elsewhere to get there fix. I don’t believe that’s always or even usually the case but it does seem like that sometimes…

    What I say in your situation is this: if he doesn’t put any effort in and he doesn’t pitch in, he’s clearly not worth it. Separating from such people is easier said than done but, from what you’ve told me, it seems like it’d be best. You don’t need a guy that will have you second-guessing yourself like that.

    Now, on the flip side, I don’t believe that couples have to share EVERYTHING together. It’s healthy and recommended to have your own friends and activities apart from each other. This allows you to build trust and miss each other sometimes, perhaps building up more passion or rekindling the lost flame.

    Twelve years is a long run and, in this day and age, few people make it past twelve months. Ask yourself this: are you holding onto how things used to be or how you want them to be? All too often, we fall in love with people and build a perfect image of them in our heads. The objects of our affection can easily become infallible as we make excuses for them and over-rationalize things. Be careful with such a practice.

    The fact that he is a completely different person with his friends is cause for worry. I mean, we all wear different masks for different reasons to a degree.. but there’s a limit to that.

    Overall, I see many barriers that your man is apparently not working to bring down for you. He seems introverted, selfish, and distant. It’s hard enough making two families jive but then you have distinct cultural differences. It all seems like a breeding ground for self-doubt and self-pity.

    Whatever you do, don’t blame yourself. Some relationships exist for a reason and others for a season. Learn your lessons, count your losses, remember the good times, and move on. Again, it’s easier said than done but you something has to give. There needs to be some level of communication and reciprocation in order for there to be compromise and progress.

  3. Wow its great to see a guy who realizes whats going on, your lady is a special women and moew MEN need to read this!!! 🙂

    • I try!

      Wisdom comes from experience and, quite often, lots of trial-and-error! Check out my articles on Free Hugs and Warm Connections, as they are along the same lines as my Douchebag Boyfriends article.

      Don’t forget to subscribe via RSS and/or e-mail. Your information will be kept private, I assure you. Y3B uses Feedburner now to make content accessible via any platform. w00t!

    • Haha.. No worries: we all make typos on the interwebz. I blame the itchy trigger-finger being on ENTER (or the trackpad, in the case of my Blackberry).

  4. Reading this definitely would make girls happy and hoping make guys cry. I can agree that there are alot of douche bag boy friends out there that alot of girls deal with and put up with everyday. Thinking about that I’ll share a story. i was with a guy for 2 years and instead of him leaving me he cheated on me first got that person pregnant and then left me. what was i supposed to do or think and i was always putting myself down and saying why me what did i do wrong. the thing is is that i did do something wrong. he used me and i allowed it i was praying that he would change and it never happened and i pushed my self and gave 100% to him when he put in nothing so yeah i made some mistakes and now i can say that i am happy that I’m not with him anymore so that was the right thing to do.Ladies out there if you read this you are all beautiful in your own way and you shouldn’t or need to do more then you can to make guys happy. yeah it sucks seeing a couple walk with each other all lovie dovie and wishing that was you but you will find the right one when you least expect it if you wait the person that is right for you will come. hey I’m still waiting and guys the nice guys that are real and wont hurt someone if you have had a problem like this with a girl same thing don’t worry about be happy the right girl will come for you so don’t turn out to be a douche bag because when she does come you don’t want her to turn away. but anyway ladies out there that have kids and or a kid if your in a relationship where the guy doesn’t give a crap about your kid kick him to the curb you have to realize that the only thing that can bring you true happiness is your kid don’t settle for anything less. guys just want to get into your pants and say yep i hit that to their buddies. they don’t care. personally you either get with someone that has a kid or someone that will truly want to be with you and the kid the whole package. there are alot of guys out there that do this they love you and the kid or kids and don’t want anything else then that. so that’s it just remember you don’t need to be unhappy to make them happy you do it yourself 🙂

    • Well-said!

      Healthy relationships are about communication, mutual growth, and compromise. If you feel like you’re doing all the work, talk about it. If you can’t reach a compromise and balance, move on. One-sided relationships quickly become destructive and eat away at you.

      What good is any type of relationship if it whittles away at your confidence and self-respect? Sometimes, we have to make tough decisions and cut the fat from our lives. No point holding on to friends and loved ones that don’t truly appreciate us and try to reciprocate our efforts.

      It’s all about give-and-take, not give-give-give or get-get-get. It’s not so much a matter of a 50/50 exchange but, rather, a sincere best effort on both sides of the bond. To me, it’s a delicate balance between selfishness and selflessness, getting and giving.

      Be sure to check out my articles on warmth and warm connections to see why I feel people do not try nearly as hard as they can to value those in their lives. It’s an issue we see in our personal and business lives alike…

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